KarynHallMi Vida Loca: Books and More

January 17, 2010

The Purpose of Positive Emotions

Emotions are just information that help us make decisions, input if you will. Angry typically means something needs to change and fear means danger, get out of there or fight for your life. But what is the purpose of happiness and joy?

The psychologists who work in the area of Positive Psychology have researched this question. It seems that positive emotions are a time of building resiliency. When you are experiencing joy, your mind is broadened and you are more open to information. This state of being allows us to feel safe, to play and practice our survival skills, much like cats practice their pouncing and dogs play fight. Feeling joy encourages us to be more tolerant and make more connections, build our social network.

Happiness and joy may come naturally to some people but for many others these emotions require work to be experienced. Research shows though that people who experience more joy also enjoy better physical health, earn more money, and live longer.

Certain skills have been identified with the ability to experience positive emotions. One is gratitude, another is contribution, and another is collecting of positive memories. These skills can be practiced and learned. Try writing a gratitude letter to someone who’s made a difference in your life or each evening listing three things you are grateful for about the day. Do something each day to contribute to others. And collect keepsakes of good times, take lots of pictures that you look at frequently, and tell stories to others about pleasant experiences. Savor those moments of joy.

Try these skills for at least six weeks. Become a connoiseur of happiness.

Cheerleading Yourself

Athletics is one of the most competitive, achievement-oriented arenas we have. Every performance is a win-lose with immediate feedback. Listen to the interviews with the contestants. Even when they are disappointed with the results, they talk about what they’ve learned and how they will do better next time. You don’t hear them saying what losers they are.

There is a reason cheerleaders, from high school to professional squads, chant encouraging words. If “You’ll never make, might as well give up now” helped their team win the game, for sure that’s what you would hear them say. That’s not what happens.

Words affect your performance, your mood, your life. Try saying “I’m so depressed” all day long or “I can’t do anything right.” Watch what happens. You don’t even have to believe it and it will change your action and mood. Do it your entire life and you are living those words.

If you want to live your best life, cheerlead yourself. Encourage yourself, learn from your mistakes and problem solve. Remember to tell yourself it’s okay to make mistakes, when you’ve just made one. Stop the verbal trashing and watch what happens.

Something Bothering You? Only Four Things You Can Do

Marsha Linehan, Ph.D.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy, developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., is a research-based therapy full of useful psychological facts. One energy saving realization is that no matter what’s going on, there are only four things you can do. I love the simplicity of that.

First, you can solve the problem. Come up with a solution. Brainstorm all the possibilities you can. Then challenge those solutions. What could happen to make them ineffective. Then implement the solution that fits you best, with a plan to deal with the roadblocks that are predictable.

Second, you can change your perception of the problem. If you can’t get rid of the banana trees in your yard, then learn to love those banana trees.

Third, you can radically accept what is going on. This means completely accepting the way things are. You don’t have to agree, or like what is happening, but you fully accept it. This is a lot like que sera, sera and letting go of what you can’t control.

Fourth, you can stay miserable.

Your choice.

Gottman’s Four Horseman of the Apocalypse

John Gottman, a psychologist and a researcher, is able to predict within three minutes which relationships will survive over the years and which will not, with about 94% accuracy. He identified four characteristics that are lethal to commitment and one of those characteristics is the presence of what he calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse in the couple’s communication style. The four horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling

1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong. “You never” and “You always” signal someone is using this tactic. Instead of addressing the issue, the partner is blamed for lacking in some way. An example is saying “You never take out the trash. You always expect me to do all the work.” The correction is to address the issue that concerns you and not blame the person: “Could you find a way to remember to take out the trash? It annoys me when you forget and I have to rush to get it out before I leave for work.”

2. Contempt: Communicating in a way that you look down on your spouse, expressing distain. The use of sarcasm and ridicule indicates contempt is in play. Contempt must be eliminated and replaced with respect. An example is as follows: “I’ve lost all respect for you. You are a poor excuse for a human being.”

3. Defensiveness: Seeing yourself as the victim, warding off a perceived attack from your partner, you offer excuses and explanations. When you constantly deflect issues brought up by your partner, you are ignoring his or her concerns. “I meant to get the materials you needed but I ran out of time. You wouldn’t believe my day. You don’t appreciate how busy I am.” Learning to listen and accept your partner’s point of view is necessary to repair the relationship stressed by defensiveness.

4. Stonewalling: When you stonewall, you avoid conflict by shutting down, refusing to talk or engage with your partner, either because you don’t know your own feelings or because you are afraid of direct discussion. Staring at the television when your spouse is bringing up an issue of concern or walking out of the room, refusing to talk are examples of stonewalling. Learning to problem solve together is the repair for this horseman.